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ashes, we all fall down

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[13 Nov 2008|03:52pm]
I see a lot of men these days
I don't fuck them
I don't touch them

I'm afraid of them
I'm afraid of everyone
my mind has turned down ford street
and has become lost in the shadows of homeless men begging for quarters
and the sewage drains of the rats residence

but like everything of everytime in my 17 years of living on Earth,
I like nothing in any of them

I take my vyvanse and move on,
or in psychological terms
"Move on into a spiraling hole of one's own self destruction"

Into the hole of miserably dibilitating feelings that are engulfing me whole

presiding my eternal existance
in the bottom of a well
not in alaska
but my room in my house
that i've hated ever since I was five years old.
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[20 Sep 2008|05:07pm]
the only thingsI need in life are
a few good books, a quiet piece of mind, and a far away shelter deep without reach of others.
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[01 Sep 2008|12:23am]
feeling and accepting one anothers shapes and volumes
you've became lucid in my dreams
inner twining my spine
cutting upward at my seems
i like it
clouded eyes clearing view of truth in ones inner connection within mirrors and illusions
yin and yang peacfully combined
into love and loathing
two emotions raging against
knieving and pulling and feeding me inside out.
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[27 Aug 2008|09:29pm]
Past few days are showing of a more brighter, better future approaching.

I have my license now, and a job interview on Friday.

Only one problem has came up,
How to get my system clean by Friday
To have a job by the time school starts which is in one week for my co-op program.

I have become asocial and distant with people
but I like it. It's for better.

I think I'm going to try real hard to clear everyone I know out of my life for good
and start over fresh this time. 
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[16 Aug 2008|09:54pm]
Hung out with the Navajo Indians today.
It's pretty shitty how much the white man raped the natives of everything they have, along with giving back to them bascially all unfertitle wasteland to reside on and little bunches on money here and there.

Another good choice from the American government.

Safely I can conclude I am either moving to Flagstaff, Page, or some miso towns in Arizona when I'm older.

The desert in Phenoix, then drive one, one and a half hours to a nice michigan type climate area with seasons and rainfall.
Pretty Amazing I must say.
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[11 Aug 2008|12:45pm]
 I'm in the ocean
caught between the borders of the atlantic and the pacific
upon the arising bubbles and the seaweed
swiftly floating
in tune
I'm really enjoying this escape
can't decide whether its the drugs
or the alone being
comfortably crawling
burning my knees
one's are coming to close
trying to take me away
I say "fuck off, take your pay
I don't want to see you,
I want to be alone, your all the same, whore"
i ended up traveling through the pacific stream to belize
cutting deep into my feet from the sharp coral reefs
slowing down
taking a bow
falling backwards into the vaccuum
I found myself
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[27 Jul 2008|03:34am]
[ mood | amazing ]


I feel amazing.

my whole body.


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[24 Jul 2008|01:19pm]
[ mood | Neutral ]

 I guess it's whenever I feel neutral that I want to die.

Lets just say, I always feel neutral.

Where are the Psychedelics we are promised?
Where is the candy blotter?
Or the sugarcube wonder?

Altotrance provide.

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[11 Jul 2008|09:46am]
I feel like I'm about to vomit
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[09 Jul 2008|12:58pm]
[ mood | where is my concerta? ]

The perfect and omnipotent and omniscient originator and ruler of the universe is now striking down at me.
You do wrong and karma, karma will destroy you.
I'm not interested anymore in anything. What isn't repetition.
I need to be re-birthed again. I need a new soul, body, and life.
I guess I'll wait to see what happens and either good or bad
I will decide to make my strife against my body.

Cause all I know is that " I Will Get Past Today, Alive".

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[30 Jun 2008|01:17pm]
[ mood | sick ]

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[29 Jun 2008|02:34am]
[ mood | whats the drunk ]

NEWNice new clothes
New attitude, positive.
Good Boyfriend
Good drinks drank
Cool mug sipping Orangenade that says "what do it mean?"
Cool new ringtones fo free

cooool everythang

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[25 Jun 2008|11:16pm]
[ mood | Motionless ]

I'm not happy with what I look like
I'm not happy with my actions/ who I am.
nothing about me suits me
I know its bad to want to change into something I'm not
but somehow I feel I don't measure up
to anyones standards
I'm worried about this relationship
I feel I could never replace what you've had
and make you as happy as you were
but I think it's because I have never been in a long enough
relationship to understand people do accept you for you
or in any kind of relationship in regards to that.
these are all just problems with myself
I over think to much
and way over analyze every situation
I like you, I really do a lot
I am falling for you
probley even more than I realize
but I am not happy with myself
and before anything in a relationship, you have to Love yourself
and Love everything your about.
eventually I'll figure it out
I think it's all in the part of growing up
maturity is in need
I've been have terrible dreams at night for about the past 3 days
I think pretty soon I might
just go to the doctors and have him check out whats
going on inside my head

I really hope this doesn't confuse you
cause I want to be with you for sure
I just want you to know I do have a few problems
with myself.

I can't wait to see you today babe
you do make me so happy.
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[20 Jun 2008|01:09am]
[ mood | I'm okay. ]

I met a good one I can tell you that much.
One that actually makes me stay happy for endless amount of time.
I like where it's leading, but my paranoia makes everything and anything in my life very difficult to stay content and passive for long lengths of time.
Yeah, I am happy.
I am. I am. I am.
My birthday is on Sunday, I am turning 17.
I am going to drink and celebrate.
Fuck da police.
1:11 a.m. I have been catching so many 11:11's and 1:11's lately. (good sign!, good sign!).
I think the Higher Power has somehow shown white light upon my face finally!
I will keep looking towards this positive and happy vibe i've been receiving for the past 8 or 9 days and those to come.
1:14 a.m. time to read.
Yeah, that Bukowski.
The good shit man.
Anything to keep my mind steady and not hear the upstairs groans from my parents love making.
Live journal is okay. Myspace is addicting. Facebook is a waste.
Bright Eyes is good. Not drinking alcohol is fine with me.
Requim For A Dream was a pretty good movie.
Tourist Trap is a good song.
Tomorrow will be a good day.

I hope this is not to good to be true.

Please stay True, Blue.
Cause, I might, just maybe open my heart for you to peer inside to see if you fancy and feel an inner connection.
1:22 a.m. Goodnight.

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[04 Jun 2008|10:08pm]
[ mood | accomplished ]

time to grow up and start clean
fresh fresh June 5th, 2008
starting... tomorrow.
no more pot or hard drugs
liquor occasionally.
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[23 May 2008|11:40am]
[ mood | dead ]

"I know what I have to do now.
 I gotta keep breathing.
Because tomorrow the sun will rise.
Who knows what the tide could bring"
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[08 May 2008|09:23pm]
[ mood | cold ]

i am a very, very cold person.

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[21 Apr 2008|08:43pm]
[ mood | alive ]

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

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[07 Apr 2008|03:56pm]
[ mood | concerta ]

fella fella eats all the stella fruits
pickin the trees, raping the earth
spit'n, kickin, jus fucking around
read books
burning bibles
itching for a bitchin from the household commander
tight shirt, low cut jeans
prostitutin yoself to be miss jean queen
mind games
constitutional violating coke lines
climbing a 90foot tree
just ta take a little peek at little babies dancin
stuffin', puffin, eating untinsles
burning carpets with your feet
fuckin smelling green grass
all along the summer heat

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[12 Mar 2008|12:56pm]
[ mood | numb ]


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